


Jamie's Return

by Brissy



Category: Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 17:37:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11673894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brissy/pseuds/Brissy
Summary: Jamie returns to Craigh na Dun.  This work was inspired by the recently released season Art for Season 3 of Outlander - Claire on one side of the standing stone in the 20th Century, Jamie on the other in the 18th century.  So evocative.





	Jamie's Return

**Author's Note:**

> The companion story 'Then, Now and Forever', is Claire's thoughts as she contemplates returning to the 17th century.  
> All praise and thanks go to Diana Gabaldon and the writers of the Outlander TV Series.

Jamie's Return

Jamie was back in Scotland...and for the first time in 18 years he was free. No longer did he have to live his life hiding in a cave, or struggling to survive as a prisoner of the English. He was no longer a wanted man...he had served his time for treason, firstly in Ardsmuir prison, and then on parole at Helwater in the English Lake District. Now he was finally free...free to return to Lallybroch. 

Some would think he was going home but...though he had been raised at Lallybroch and had indeed been Laird of the estate at one time...it was no longer his home. Knowing that the English would want retribution, and hoping to keep the estate safe for his sister and her family, he had signed over the property to his nephew, on the eve of Culloden, via a pre-dated Deed of Sassine. Claire had told him of the ravages the English would wreck against the Scots following the Rebellion. Even dead, as he thought he would be, they would probably want revenge against Red Jamie Fraser. It had worked...Jenny and Ian and the children, whilst suffering through the deprivations of famine and English reprisals, had managed to keep the estate.

Jenny and Ian would welcome him back, he had no doubt of that. 

But it was not his home. 

He no longer had a home. 

Claire had been his home...and she was gone. Without her, he would never have another. 

_Lord, that she may be safe...she and the child._

This had been his prayer for the last 18 years...on rising each morning, on retiring every night, and every waking moment in between...whenever the memories could no longer be held at bay and she stole her way into his mind. 

He felt, again, the ache in his heart, the hollowness of longing which always followed the thought of his beloved wife.

After he had recovered from the almost fatal wounds he had suffered at the Battle of Culloden, and had realised that, despite everything, he had survived, but had lost the two things that would have made life worth living...his beloved wife and unborn child...he had hoped that with time the pain would subside to a bearable level. Truth be told, he had known the hope would be in vain. 

Not even the presence of William, the only bright light in his life, had been able to dull the pain. The boy was his bastard son, though none but John Grey and, he suspected, the boy's grandmother knew the truth of William's birth. Jamie had spent one night with the boy's mother, as a result of her blackmailing him.

Geneva had been spoiled, strong-willed, reckless and impulsive. She had been infatuated with Jamie and, when he refused her, threatened his family. A letter from his sister Jenny had somehow fallen into her hands, and as it mentioned gold being sent to exiled Jacobites, would have placed his family in grave danger should it have been revealed. Geneva had married the elderly Earl of Ellesmere three days later, and had died giving birth to William almost nine months later. The boy's legal father had been killed in what had been called 'a shooting accident' the same day, leaving William the 9th Earl of Ellesmere to be raised by his grandparents and his aunt Isabel, at Helwater. 

He suspected that Lady Dunsany knew that Jamie was the lad's father. Shortly after William's birth, Lady Dunsany, in gratitude to Jamie, for his action in saving her grandson's life, had offered to ask Lord John Grey if he could exert his influence to have Jamie released from the conditions of his parole so that he could return home. Jamie, knowing he had nothing to return to, had replied that he was not ready to return home yet, and Lady Dunsany had told him that he need only ask. 

Even though he was only a groom on the estate, Jamie knew he would be able to see his son from time to time...even as he knew he would never be able to acknowledge him.

Jamie had loved spending time with his son, but had grown frustrated with William's behavior. William had been spoiled rotten by his doting grandparents. He had tried to treat the lad with a firm yet cautious hand, and they had formed a strong bond...though the boy only knew him as the family groom, his friend, Mac.

A month ago, Jamie had overheard Lady Dunsany joking that William spent so much time with his groom, MacKenzie, that he was starting to resemble him. Shocked at hearing this, Jamie had peered at his reflection in a water trough and realized that as William grew, he was looking more and more like him. Jamie knew that it was time...he must ask Lady Dunsany to arrange for him to leave Helwater, before other people noticed the resemblance. 

Lady Dunsany had arranged Jamie's parole and given him a horse. He had known saying goodbye to William would not be easy but when John Grey had arrived with the news that he was to marry Lady Isabel, Jamie knew his decision to leave was sound as he realised that John would be step-father to his son, and would do everything he could to love the boy and raise him well.

 

He had been riding for six days now and he knew that he was not far from Inverness...not far from Craigh na Dun.

The thought of that hill, crowned by its circle of standing stones, shook him to the core. He knew he could avoid it, he just needed to turn the horse further west; he didn't need to go there, he didn't even have to see it.

Why he didn't do it, he couldn't say. He knew the area well. He knew he could bypass the hill, but something inside him just wouldn't let him do it. 

It was dark when he stopped and made camp. 

Jamie dreamt that night of the first time he had brought Claire to the hill. She had, only a few days before, told him the truth of where she had come from...the future...that she had somehow fallen through time via the standing stones at Craigh na Dun. 

He had believed that night that those were the last hours he would have with her...known that on the morrow he would take her back to Craigh na Dun, send her home, what she had been wanting since she had first arrived. Making love to her that night had been so bittersweet...so heartbreakingly beautiful... knowing that he would have to let her go the next day. 

Now, in his dreams, he could still see her, straining towards him; hear her gasps and moans, as he touched her. 

He woke to find his fingers curled, his arm reaching for Claire. He curled around himself, knowing that he must give himself relief from the tension which had built within him. He had done this many times over the years, when he woke from his dreams of her, knowing that no matter how often he saw her in his dreams he could never again touch her.

Jamie had wanted Claire from the first time he laid eyes on her. Had known that she was the one for him hours later when, after falling from his horse, he came to in the dark, looking up at her as she tended to his wound. It had been no surprise to realize the next day, as he held her weeping in his arms, that he loved her. He had thought then that she was mourning her dead husband. Offering her his friendship and protection had seemed the best that he could hope for.

She had not loved him when, only weeks later, they were forced to wed to protect her from Black Jack Randall, the sadistic perverted English army captain who had threatened to have her hanged. But their intimate relationship had fostered a greater closeness which had quickly become mutual passion and love. 

He had prayed that morning, when he took her back to Craigh na Dun the first time...prayed for the strength to let her go, to not beg her to stay with him. 

When she had decided to stay, rather than return to her life in the future and her first husband, Jamie had finally been able to see what the future could hold. It shone brightly before them...he would return to Lallybroch, taking Claire with him. They would be happy there. His dreams and thoughts had been full of plans...he would take up his role as Laird of Broch Tuarach. Claire would be his lady, tending to the medical needs of the family and his tenants, as they brought up the children they would have together.

"Lord that she may be safe, she and the child," he prayed, as his exhausted emotions overtook him and he fell back into a restless sleep. Tomorrow would arrive soon enough, and he knew the memories of their second visit to this accursed place still waited to engulf him.

 

He was back...back where his world had ended.

His horse walked slowly as they climbed the hill. He could not seem to avoid coming here...but unlike the last time he had come to Craigh na Dun, there was no urgency to this visit.

Eighteen years ago, the Battle of Culloden had loomed before them and he had been desperate to send Claire to safety. He knew there would be no escape for himself; Red Jamie was too well known. Better to die in battle, a musket ball or a blade were better than the hangman's noose. 

Claire had pleaded...begged him to let her stay with him, die with him...but he could not possibly allow it, not when he knew she was with child. 

He had promised Claire, many times, that he would always see her safe, and she had promised him that if the time ever came she would go back through the stones. The time had come.

They had galloped to Craigh na Dun, knowing they had little time...that the battle would soon be joined.

It was a desperate move, but one he had felt he had no alternative to. Claire had almost lost her life when their first child, Faith, had been stillborn. From what she had told him, she stood a much better chance of surviving, she and the bairn, in her own time. And after Culloden, the English would take dire retribution upon the Scots. He could not have left her here, in his time, alone.

Claire had told him all that she knew about travelling through the stones, which, admittedly, was not much. On her accidental trip through the stones, almost three years earlier, she had heard a loud buzzing sound when in close proximity to the stones and had only needed to place her hands upon the largest stone, which stood in the centre of the circle, and the world had seemed to spin out of control. When she had come to, Claire had found she'd travelled two hundred years into the past.

He had had no way of knowing whether that desperate gamble would work...would she go back to her own time? Would she be lost somewhere else in time? Would she even survive the trip? There were no guarantees. Their only hope came in the form of the tales of the Auld Ones...the song of the Woman of Balnain said that the ones that travelled always returned. 

It was so peaceful here on the hill. He dismounted and walked into the circle. There was no sound of cannons blasting in the distance...unlike last time, all he could hear was bird song and the whisper of the wind. 

Last time he had been to Craigh na Dun, the only thing he remembered seeing was Claire...his beautiful Sassenach. Today, as Jamie tried to avoid looking at the centre stone, his mind had once again brought her sharply into focus...her lovely face, pale skin, the mass of her dark curls falling to her shoulders. He could still see the tears welling in her beautiful eyes as she had pleaded with him to go through the stones with her. 

Jamie had known he couldn't...he did not hear the buzzing she spoke of, and when he had touched the stone nothing had happened. 

Suddenly Jamie felt his knees give way and found himself sitting on the ground. He vividly remembered the two of them, falling to the ground, right here, locked in passionate embrace...the last time he had made love to her...the feel of her, the taste of her, the overwhelming love they had shared...and that he had known he would never feel again.

He shook himself out of his visceral memories, stood and turned to look at the stone. She hadn't wanted to go and he had known that he would have to make her. He could again feel her in his arms as he danced her, backward, slowly to the stone. Their eyes had been locked on each others, as he heard her voice whispering, over and over, that she loved him. He could still hear his response, "And I...you." Such small words, which had held such meaning. He felt himself turning her in his arms to face the stone and slowly forcing her hand towards the monolith. 

Jamie's voice was suddenly pulled from him as he found he could not stop himself from repeating the last words he had brokenly whispered to her. "Goodbye, Claire." 

He could feel his heart crumbling into small pieces, as it had done then when she simply faded from his arms. He had died at that moment...died inside. Love was something he would never know again...what was left of his heart was no longer with him...it was lost in time, with Claire. 

On that day eighteen years ago, he had turned away from the stone and with no real sense of what he was doing, mounted his horse and returned to Culloden Moor. The only thought that had gained any purchase in his mind on that ride had been "Lord, that she may be safe...she and the bairn." It repeated over and over.

He had known he was going to his death. It hadn't mattered...he had already lost everything.

God had, apparently, had other plans for him though. 

He had survived, despite the reckless abandon he had shown as he threw himself into the fight against the English. Severely wounded he had been but, rather than the summary execution shown to other survivors, he had been spared...through the unlikely mercy of an English officer, Lord Melton, he had been spirited from the field and sent back to Lallybroch. He was sure that Lord Melton had thought he probably wouldn't survive his wounds, but Lord Melton had never met Jamie's sister, Jenny. 

Jenny had made it her mission to ensure he lived...and live he did, though dead inside.

He walked slowly toward the central stone. Slowly he reached out and placed his hands on the stone. His hands tingled, but it was only the memory of Claire's touch. Nothing happened. His heart seemed to reach out through the stones, reaching towards the other side...seeking evidence that she had survived. If he only knew for sure, he could go on. If he knew that she and the child had been safe and that the last eighteen years had not been in vain, he might be able to finally find acceptance.

This was getting him nowhere. He knew that...and still he stood there, his hands gently touching the stone, seeking some connection to her...Claire, mo nighean donn, his Sassenach. 

The prayer was ripped from him once more. "Lord, that she may be safe." 

Finally, he turned away, and strode back to his horse. He turned the horse in the direction of Lallybroch and spurred forward. 

Jamie could only hope that once there he could find something meaningful to do, something that might go some way to easing the emptiness within.

 

The End


End file.
